Learn

Effective Communication

Communication involves an exchange of information. For an exchange to be effective, the sender must communicate a clear message, and the receiver must interpret that message accurately. Communication occurs verbally and nonverbally.

Verbal communication uses words to share information. Words are communicated through speaking and in writing.

Nonverbal communication either reinforces or conflicts with the words of the message. If someone says, “I’m glad you are here,” with a big smile, the nonverbal cues support the words spoken. If a person says the same words while rolling their eyes, the message is the opposite of the words spoken. Nonverbal messages are often more powerful than words.

Safe Communication

When people feel safe, they are more likely to communicate effectively. We feel safe when we are confident we will not be judged and our secrets will not be shared.

It is important for each of us to share our private information only with people we trust to protect our confidences. It is also important not to share the confidences of others, unless someone is in danger. If someone is thinking of hurting themselves or others, it is important to tell a trusted adult. If someone could be at risk of harm, help is needed to protect others.

Empathy also helps create a safe environment. Empathy involves putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes and trying to understand their feelings from their perspective. The goal is not to fix someone’s problems, but to let them talk and reach their own conclusions.

Communication Strategies

Active Listening

Effective communication requires active listening. To practice active listening, the listener should give full attention to understanding the message. Remove distractions, particularly technology. Maintain eye contact and lean toward the speaker to let them know they have your full attention. Focus on what the speaker is saying, and on understanding not only the words, but the underlying message the words are sending. The most important characteristic of effective communication is that the speaker feels heard.

Silence

Another important communication strategy is silence. When others are speaking, it can be tempting to think of a response rather than focus on understanding what the speaker is saying. Simply using active listening while remaining silent can encourage the speaker to elaborate. As the receiver listens, the message can become clearer.

Reflection

Reflection can help the sender expand on the message and help the receiver understand the message. This strategy involves repeating the message to be sure it is understood.

For example, if the sender says, “It makes me mad when Jim does not let me know what time to expect him,” the receiver can respond, “You are angry that Jim did not let you know when he would be here.” The speaker will often elaborate in response to reflection.

The receiver can also reflect the perceived meaning of the message by saying something like, “You wish Jim would keep you better informed.” This response reflects not just the words of the sender, but the message those words are sending. The speaker can either agree with the receiver’s reflected message or clarify the message.

Communication Types

There are four main types of communication: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive.

  • Passive communication is characterized by not expressing feelings and letting others make decisions. Over time, it can result in misunderstanding, pent-up anger, and resentment. “Whatever you want,” can be an example of passive communication.
  • Aggressive communication is characterized by blaming, dominating, controlling, and attacking. Feelings are expressed at the expense of others. An example of aggressive communication is, “This is what we are doing, and I don’t care what you think.”
  • Passive-aggressive communication appears passive but expresses anger by using sarcasm or sabotaging the efforts of others. Passive-aggressive communication is characterized by agreeing to do something but doing the opposite. An example of passive-aggressive communication is agreeing to go to the family reunion but planning a business trip at the same time as the reunion.
  • Assertive communication involves stating your position clearly, firmly, and positively. It is a respectful, direct communication of feelings. The rights of others are respected. Assertive communication is characterized by “I feel” statements, such as “I feel frustrated when you do not pick up your things because I might trip over them.”

Most people use each of these communication styles at different times.

Assertive communication is most helpful in promoting healthy, effective communication. Passive and aggressive communication can be destructive if used often, but can be helpful in certain situations. If a situation is becoming violent, a passive or aggressive approach can help you remove yourself and get to safety. Passive-aggressive communication undermines relationships and leads to conflict.

If you would like to learn more about the different types of communication, check out these resources:

Conflict Resolution

Conflict

Everyone experiences conflict in relationships. Conflict happens when values, wants, or needs differ. Sometimes conflict occurs because people miscommunicate, or one or both parties feel threatened. Responses to conflict are often based on our perceptions of reality, which might not be the same as reality. For example, if someone bumps into a person in the hallway at school, the person who is bumped might think it was an intentional act of aggression. In reality, it could be the result of a heavy load of books, distraction, or a physical problem such as dizziness. If we understand the intention behind an action, it can decrease conflict.

Managing Conflict

If conflict is not managed well, relationships and mental well-being suffer. Managing conflict in a healthy way requires a cooperative, calm approach that keeps emotions and behavior under control. Each party must empathize with and show respect for the other parties involved. All participants should be encouraged to collaborate in finding a healthy strategy to resolve the conflict and move forward. If the interaction proves too challenging, an objective person can be asked to mediate the process. A mediator makes sure all parties have the opportunity to speak and all participants understand.

Approaches to Conflict Resolution

In managing conflict, it is important to focus on the issue and not the person. Take responsibility for how the situation affects you, rather than on what the other person has done.

Use this format for communicating how a situation affects you: “I feel ________ because ________.”

For example, rather than saying, “You make me mad when you are late,” say, “I feel angry when you are late because I put aside what I was doing to meet you.” The second statement focuses on how being late affects the speaker and avoids a personal attack on the person who is late. Messages that include, “You should ________,” tend to make people defensive and build barriers to communication.

Some common approaches to conflict make resolution difficult.

  • Avoiding conflict resolves nothing. If it is not dealt with, conflict can cause unhealthy interactions and damage to relationships.
  • Competing promotes a win-lose outcome. Sometimes one person accommodates, allowing the other party to win. The losing party in both competition and accommodation often becomes angry and the conflict continues.
  • Compromise requires each party to give up something, but can result in no one getting what they want.
  • Collaboration encourages all parties to participate in identifying shared solutions. When all parties contribute to a solution, a successful outcome is more likely.

Collaboration Process

A positive approach to collaboration can lead to a healthy resolution of various types of conflict. This is the process that leads to healthy collaboration.

  • Set the stage for a respectful, honest, calm exchange. Commit to cooperate.
  • Identify the conflict that needs to be resolved. When all parties are clear about the issues that need to be addressed, it is easier to identify creative solutions.
  • Identify the goal. This allows all parties to agree on the desired outcome.
  • Ask all participants to suggest solutions. When all participants have the opportunity to contribute, a unified resolution is more likely.
  • Identify barriers. Eliminating barriers helps move the process forward.
  • Agree to a solution. This can be the most challenging step in the process, and often requires the most time and creativity.
  • Identify the responsibilities of all parties. It is important for everyone to agree to what they will do, and to show appreciation for everyone’s contributions.

Conflict can be challenging to resolve, but a respectful, honest, calm approach can promote healthy relationships and decrease future conflict. Using healthy conflict resolution skills can also decrease the risk of escalating to violence.

Asking for Help

Moving Toward Emotional Independence

During adolescence and young adulthood, people begin to move toward emotional independence from parents. At the same time, young people are learning about establishing a close relationship with a partner, or significant other.

Healthy Relationships

Healthy relationships are based on good communication, shared values, mutual respect, honesty, trust, and support.

A good relationship brings out the best in both partners, and helps each person pursue their goals. In a healthy relationship, both partners take care of themselves and maintain relationships with friends and family. Each partner feels secure and does not fear violence in the relationship. Partners in healthy relationships are able to resolve conflicts peacefully and grow from disagreements.

Unhealthy Relationships

Unhealthy relationships are characterized by unequal power, lack of privacy, frequent arguments, yelling, or violence.

One or both partners might feel pressure to change for the other partner. One partner often dominates and controls the other. An inability to settle arguments fairly, frequent criticism, and feeling pressure to quit spending time with friends and family are all indications of an unhealthy relationship. Unhealthy relationships often make people feel worse about themselves, and prevent personal growth.

What to Look For

A healthy relationship involves an investment of the heart, but has a foundation of positive qualities. Before committing to a relationship, look honestly for its healthy and unhealthy characteristics. Does this relationship help you grow and support you in pursuing healthy goals? Are the patterns of this relationships patterns you want to model for your children? Would this be a good person with whom to share parenting of children? Talk with trusted adults who can advise you. A life partner has a tremendous impact on your well-being and on the happiness and well-being of the family you will create. Take your time!

Domestic Violence

Conflicts should consistently be managed through calm, respectful communication. Conflict should not result in verbal, physical, or sexual attacks. Domestic violence is abuse within the home. Signs of domestic violence include jealousy, shaming, controlling, intimidation, threatening violence against you or someone you love, damaging property, preventing you from spending time away from your partner, making you feel guilty for problems in the relationship, and physical or sexual attacks.

Reporting Domestic Violence

If you think a friend is experiencing domestic violence, check on them. Listen, help them find helpful resources, and identify a safe place where they can go if they are threatened. Encourage them to report violence. Most importantly, talk with a trusted adult who can assist in getting appropriate help.

If you have concerns about your relationship with someone, report your concerns to a counselor, minister, teacher, or parent. If you are unsafe in a relationship, talk with a trusted adult about removing yourself from the relationship. Protection is often most important when a relationship is ending.

Domestic violence should not be ignored. Many people lose their lives at the hands of a spouse, parent, or partner. Domestic violence should be reported to the police. A trusted adult can help in reporting information to the appropriate authorities.

Resources on Domestic Violence

The National Domestic Violence hotline - 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) - can provide assistance to someone experiencing domestic violence.

You can learn more about domestic violence and how to prevent it from these resources: